Good Day

Today has been a good day, Bunny started maintenance school. Bean and I actually got almost 4 hours alone together to bond. We should have gone outside I suppose but we opted to stay inside and watch the Secret Garden and two episodes of What Not To Wear. I didn't feel so guilty because we went to the playground last night & for a walk.
Bunny also made great strides w/ her Dysphagia today she 'finished' her feeding therapy at the Ahlbin Center. I was so proud of her she has come a long way!!! Although its not the end of her feeding therapy altogether. She will be getting it now through her regular speech therapist, 1x a week. Also her behaviorist provides some strategy in the programming. That coupled with the mandatory mouth brushes/tools used in accordance with her IEP for school based speech therapy & the creation of her behavior program (mostly sensory based), it's so far from over! Still we completed one leg of our journey today :)

As far as I go, last night was rough for me because I realized how far we have to go still (after the fireworks episode). Emotions are hard to decipher when you have not digested the magnitude of how bad things had been. The only way I can explain my feelings is like constantly veils are being lifted off of me face, enabling me to see. It is hard when these veils are lifted because it rocks your world, your whole way of thinking, living, processing, simply existing has to change and you have to reflect on what fits now. I can be very wrong but I do not think a lot of parents/ people have to confront & navigate emotional earthquakes on a daily basis. I am not one to live in a bubble but sometimes we do. For me sometimes ignorance is bliss! What keeps me going is that I can see progress in everything she does. The power of knowing allows me to help, even if it just means that I am supportive or I just simply drive her to another appointment. I am dogged by questions is she the best she can be? is this the best? How will I know? I won't know. I have realized that it is important to not work with your head down, you have to be ready for the rules to change & to realize how much you have accomplished.
I honestly want a release. I need a judge to tell me that my child can not have this, I need a higher power to tell me to STOP, no sense, you will never win this. I need to know where to put my focus and energy. I need to scout out every lead, try to open every door, bulldoze people, brown nose people, yell, cry, kick and scream because I love her.